The Vicious Circle of Language Switching
Eddy loved coffee. Yet he absolutely hated ordering it.
Almost every time he walked into a coffee place in Berlin, he walked away enraged. But not for a lack of good coffee, but because the guy behind the counter didn’t give him what he wanted.
These arrogant ba…ristas, he shouted at me one day. They always reply to me in English. They just don’t want to help me learn German!
Probably you know this situation. You’ve moved to another country, maybe to its capital or another major city, and you are making an effort to learn the language. And since you don’t know many people there, you want to practice your language skills with people you meet in your everyday life: neighbors, taxi drivers, nurses, and unsuspecting baristas.
This strategy, however, could be more detrimental to your language learning process than you might realize.
Eddy, I said to him after listening to his story, you might be lacking the resilience to order coffee in Berlin.
He looked at me in total disbelief. Me, lacking resilience?
Then he started laughing. It was the laughter of a man who had faced death more than once, and showed strength and resolve in situations that were quite a bit more challenging than learning German – or ordering a coffee for that matter.
Before coming to Berlin to continue medical school, Eddy had served in a combat medical extraction unit of the US Army in Afghanistan. He stood 6.3 feet tall, weighed 200 pounds, and the last time bodyfat had been spotted on his body must have been before kindergarden. He had saved lives, and had comrades die under his hands. Yet he never developed any form of PTSD, or any other psychological conditions common among veterans. As a result, he considered himself mentally extremely robust.
Learning a foreign language requires a different kind of resilience I told him. And not the one you develop during boot camp. Look at you: quite a few of your interactions with Germans end in frustration. If you keep piling up negative experiences like that, you’ll end up eventually not wanting to speak to them.
Maintain motivation through creating positive emotions – and avoiding negative ones
A language is not just a skill or a tool to be used to get what we want; it’s potentially a key to a different culture of which we want to be a part of. And in order to truly belong, we’ll have to want to belong. Therefore, instead of obsessing exclusively over skill, we should rather focus on our psychological well-being and thus maintaining our motivation. Learning a foreign language and feeling at home abroad is not a sprint. The winner is not the one who crams the most in the shortest amount of time. But the one who will be able to maintain the spark of curiosity and openness that we need in order to make continuously positive experiences in the foreign culture.
In German we call this emotional Sitzfleisch – which means literally sitting flesh. To have Sitzfleisch means to possess endurance, to be able to sit through something. Learning a foreign language is a journey full of ups and downs. At times, you will feel incompetent and rejected. And sometimes, less often unfortunately, you’ll feel like the new king of the country with a black belt in its language. Occasional exuberance and desperation are integral parts of a cultural shock, which we experience every time we get intimate with a different culture.
How the fuck does one get that… emotional Sitzfleisch, Eddy asked. I guess you can’t train it like a muscle, can you? So a day at the gym won’t cut it…
The good news are: you can absolutely train this!
The work, however, is both intellectual and emotional.
The first step is to be cognizant of the very need of it. That means you have to develop a certain awareness of your own emotions and their crucial importance in the language learning process. It may sound trivial, but maybe it’s a good idea to regularly check-in with yourself. We don’t have emotions to make life more difficult, but to get in touch with ourselves. They are generally the way deeper layers of us communicate with our conscious selves.
Basic need satisfaction is crucial
For humans to thrive, basic psychological needs must be met. Psychologists differ on how many there are and which ones are the most essential. For the purpose of language learning, however, I recommend focusing on the following:
Attachment and relatedness
Autonomy and control
Orientation and purpose
Competence and self-esteem enhancement
Pleasure seeking and avoidance of displeasure
This is a more complex topic, which I have explored in more detail elsewhere. To better understand its critical importance, I suggest you read my essay "Basic Psychological Needs in the Language Learning Process," which includes a checklist of questions you should reflect on regularly to monitor your learning process. It is specifically designed for adults learning a foreign language while living abroad.
Satisfying your basic needs is the most effective way to build emotional Sitzfleisch. In a broader sense, this involves five key aspects:
Avoiding experiences that could lead to negative emotions
Understanding and reframing unpleasant experiences after they occur
Recognizing and actively fostering positive emotions
Striving for a healthy positivity ratio
Laying the groundwork for complex positive emotions in the future.
Today, we’ll focus on the first two, on avoiding and reframing negative experiences.
The Communication Square
Let’s have a closer look at our coffee ordering problem for example. When you order in German and the barista answers in English, that is in itself a communicative act, never mind the content of what is actually being said (“With oat milk? What about sugar?”). And like every message it consists of – according to Friedemann Schulz von Thun’s Communication Square – four distinct layers. The most obvious one is the factual information which conveys objective and the most obvious content. The second layer contains information about how the speaker perceives the relationship with the listener. Then there is of course a certain amount of self-revelation, either intentionally or unintentionally. Finally, the appeal expresses what the speaker wants the listener to do, think, or feel in response. And we also need to decide if we take a friendly or confrontational spin on the barista’s response. Hence, there are basically 8 different ways of making sense of it:
It is important to note that we can never be sure of the speaker's true intentions. We stich together a string of clues – content, context, tone of voice, body language etc. – and come to an interpretation that feels true to us. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is. Our interpretations are shaped by projections and assumption —and are very much influenced by our own biases and prior experiences.
This model can help us to understand how easily miscommunications can arise: sender and receiver simply focus on different aspects of the message. Maybe you realize from just looking at the diagram how there probably is a substantial divide between how the barista sees himself and his action of answering in English versus how you might perceive him in a comparable situation.
Clash of Mindsets
Now the important thing to realize is that the mindset you choose to go into this conversation will very much determine how you experience it. There are basically two filters. The first is a communication mindset that focuses on content and getting a message across. Naturally, baristas – and pretty much everyone else you'll meet outside of a foreign language classroom – want to communicate smoothly and efficiently. Their priority is to make sure they get your order right – not your German.
You, on the other hand, come into this interaction with a different filter, which could best be described as an ambivalent practice mindset. Of course, you want to make yourself understood. After all, ordering a coffee in German is what one should do in Germany. But at the same time – if you have ever felt the sting of such a situation – you also focus on form. In other words, you see these situations either as a chance to practice your German, or at least as a secret litmus test of your language skills.
Small upside – huge downside
This, however, is risky business. While it is true that as foreign language learners we need to successfully hold our own in everyday situations like this in order to build self-esteem, we need to consider some other aspects. First of all, the chance to really practice your German in a coffee shop is minimal. Small talk at the counter is not the strong suit of Germans, so don’t expect to parley much longer than 3 sentences.
Now compare this little chance to practice to the huge downside. Namely, there is a substantial potential for frustration if we don’t fully understand what we are doing and what we might get ourselves into. Miscategorizing everyday communication situations as opportunities for practice and self-esteem building can have the dangerous side effect of constantly inviting negative judgements about our foreign language skills. Because that is what a language switch to our face is in the end. While some more extroverted and resilient learners may have no problem getting a bloody nose several times a day, others – more introverted and sensitive – will suffer much more acutely from the ensuing feelings of incompetence and rejection. And unfortunately, negative emotions weigh much heavier and have a much more lasting impact on our learning process than comparable positive ones.
The Vicious Circle of Language Switching
It’s hard to admit this, Eddy said. But I think I really do feel idiotic in these moments. Like all the effort I put into learning German was for nothing. It’s just so frustrating! And I guess you are right: rejection is probably the source of why I get angry – and more so every time this happens.
Well, this is your Sitzfleisch slowly disappearing.
If you notice that these situations are starting to take a toll on you, for example, that you get easily mad at people who "refuse" to speak to you in the language you want to practice, or that you feel increasingly stupid and alienated because this keeps happening, or you even feel more and more reluctant to speak with people in everyday life, you may be caught in the vicious circle of language switching.
Vicious circles come in many different shapes and forms. We can get caught in them all by ourselves, with a specific other person, like a partner or a parent, or – as in our case – with changing interlocutors in similar situations. However, what these vicious circles all have in common is that they are repeating loops where one action causes another action, which then feeds back into worsening the first one, and so on.
Wait, interrupted Eddy, are you saying I have a part in this?
Yes, you absolutely do!
And in our specific case it works like this: the negative feelings – incompetence and rejection – that were caused by prior experiences can unconsciously lead to rather avoidant or ambivalent behavior. Our perceivable insecurity or discomfort, together with a noticeable foreign accent, will then increase the likelihood of the interlocutor switching the language. This outcome is not only the one we absolutely wanted to avoid, but will also provoke more of the the negative feelings that set the loop in motion.
You start the loop – every single time anew
The tricky part is, that we rarely consider our own behavior as the source of the barista’s behavior. But then again: what else could he be reacting to? Didn’t he just respond in the nicest way possible to this really impatient German in front of you in German!? And now, all of a sudden, he turned into a confrontational jerk who wants nothing else but to ruin your day?
Isn’t it much likelier…
Hang on a second, Eddy said, laughing. Are you trying to convince me that not all waiters and neighbors who respond to me in English are incorrigible xenophobes?
There is no conspiracy against you
As discussed before, even with the help of the communication square we can’t really know for sure what is going on in their hearts and minds. But before we suspect a potential Nazi behind every counter, let’s consider for a moment the situation from his perspective.
You order something with an accent. And while you speak, he picks up on you being slightly off because of what you said and how you said it. It doesn’t matter if your lack of control of the situation is based on nervousness, discomfort, impatience or even latent aggression. Unconsciously, he will attribute it to the unpleasantness of speaking a foreign language and your fear of not understanding his answer.
So, coming into this situation with a communication mindset and a normal level of human empathy, he will want to end you perceived misery – and responds in English. It’s not a conscious choice he’s making. It just feels like the right thing to do. Especially because he then can avoid to think about what you could or could not understand.
So he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, said Eddy.
Right. But neither do you, don’t you?
Because in the end, you too might have a secret agenda. Very often, our behaviors are shaped to confirm some fundamental and often limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. Let’s stipulate for example that deep down you believe that your German is pretty terrible. And there are all these people who try to be nice to you and tell you the opposite. You know, of course, that they are lying. Maybe then it’s a perversely great feeling when somebody sees right through you, calls your bluff and gives you the negative confirmation that you secretly crave: namely, that your German is not even good enough to order a freaking coffee.
Your beliefs – your responsibility
These self-fulfilling prophecies are not limited to only what you believe about yourself. Let’s say over time you have come to believe – from experiencing many interactions similar to the one we have analyzed – that many Germans simply don’t want to help you learn their language. Then, every interaction that goes accordingly will only confirm what you already think to know. You may never learn German as a result, but it sure is a great feeling to have the world figured out and to know for a fact that you were not the problem – they were.
You may have developed all kinds of limiting beliefs during your time in Germany. But hopefully, you can see now how on projections and assumptions alone – and without any certainty whatsoever – you can fuel downwards spirals that are very difficult to stop or reverse once you set them in motion.
And let’s face it: this does not just happen to you. You make it happen. You are a part of it, and unquestionably the most crucial one.
Maybe you find this surprising or even shocking. But isn’t it also very comforting? Because if you brought this upon yourself, that means you can also do something about it. All by yourself. No collaboration from neighbors and baristas needed. You have, and this may come again as a shock, far more power over what happens to you and how you feel about it than you might think.
How to stop the vicious circle
Eddy, for his part, decided to take action and stop the vicious circle in which he had gotten caught. Once he figured out that his own thinking and behavior was at the very root of it, he didn’t feel like a victim of sinister forces anymore. He felt empowered. And you can too.
Step 1: See the vicious circle for what it is
The first and most important part of stopping a vicious circle is always to understand that you are caught in one, and what it looks like, i.e. the exact structure of it. By reEddyng Eddy’s story you might have realized that you are in a similar situation. And maybe you also find it reassuring to know that you are neither the first nor the last to find yourself in this predicament.
Step 2: Identify the beliefs holding you back
Examine your own thought patterns for beliefs that may be limiting or even self-sabotaging. Eddy, for example, was utterly convinced that Berliners didn’t want to help him learn German. This belief, of course, borders on the ridiculous. People there have far more pressing concerns than conspiring to frustrate foreigners bold enough to learn their language.
Step 3: Reflect on past experiences and your role in them
Knowing what you now understand about communication psychology, you have valuable tools to reflect on past situations that left you feeling uncomfortable. One of the primary causes of misunderstandings, arguments, and vicious cycles is that we humans see ourselves only reacting. We often fail to recognize that we almost always play a role in triggering the actions of others. As self-righteous beings, we instinctively view ourselves as innocent responders – we don’t create the trouble; we simply react to it. While this is a great mechanism to feel better about ourselves in the moment, it does little to prevent us from repeating the same mistakes time and again.
Step 4: Take ownership of what happens to you
Everything changes when you start asking yourself, “What might be my part in people switching the language on me?” The truth is, there are many things you can do to reduce, first, the likelihood of this occurring, and second, its potential negative impact on you by reframing the experience.
Step 5: Embrace Approach Behavior Over Avoidance or Ambivalence
At its core, these situations should be seen as opportunities to connect and experience positive human interaction, rather than moments to fear incompetence and rejection yet again. Shift your focus to anticipating successful communication—no matter the language—and avoid the mindset that everyday life is just a series of practice scenarios. We don’t learn languages for their own sake – we learn them to communicate. And that is exactly what the people you are complaining about are doing!
Don’t forget: the vast majority of people you meet in everyday life try to be nice and helpful. So, if you come across as someone who doesn’t want to be in a situation, they often respond by trying to adjust the situation for you—in this case, by switching to a different language.
Hence, if you want to avoid this, you need to rEddyate the vibe of someone who genuinely enjoys the moment as it is. Let your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice clearly convey: I’m loving this! I’m totally here for ordering my coffee in German.
Step 6: Be assertive, radiate confidence, and show you're in on it
Imagine striding into a coffee shop with the swagger of someone having an absolutely fantastic day, fully convinced that their German is top-notch. A big, winning smile lights up your face as you approach the counter and tap it with the palm of your hand—like a cowboy ordering whiskey in a saloon. Locking eyes with the barista, you say without a hint of hesitation, but with a playful grin in your voice:
Yo, was geht ab? Ich hätte gerne etwas, das mich daran erinnert, warum Aufstehen heute eine gute Idee war. Und zwar…
(Yo, what's up? I need something to remind me why getting out of bed today was actually a good idea. And that would be…)
Would this be a bit weird? – Maybe. Would you feel like a fake or an idiot? – Possibly!
However, – unless you actually do look like a cowboy and rock a thick accent like Brad Pitt’s “Buongiorrrno” in “Inglorious Ba…ristas” – it’s all but guaranteed that the guy behind the counter would not switch to English. He would assume that you and your German are doing great – otherwise you wouldn’t use language that colloquial and pull off a joke in German – which is, as you probably know, pretty tough business.
Does this always work, I asked Eddy, who told me about this.
It worked every time I tried, he said. But these days I just order with a smile and an open heart and take whatever comes my way – no matter the language. Because, at the end of the day, it’s all about the coffee, isn’t it?
You’re absolutely right it is.
And as with coffee, so it is with everything in life: you reap what you sow.
If you want to learn more about how to understand and reframe typical unpleasant experiences during the language learning process, you can read here about:
The Vicious Circle of Correction
The Vicious Circle of Indifference
The Vicious Circle of Bad Language Teaching
The Vicious Circle of Admonition