Speaking correctly: German for People with Perfectionism. Tipps and Techniques to get you conversational

Teresa asked me one day if she would ever be able to speak German. 

She had been living in Berlin for years now, and had attended various language courses. Yet, she still struggled with every sentence, pausing and thinking.

I kept trying to encourage her to make mistakes. You’ll learn from them! I said. But she wouldn’t allow herself to, and it was a huge barrier. If not her biggest.   

Learning a language is always a process of several years. To be able to speak fluently about complex topics and get along in another country with ease requires practice, vigilance, and setting longer-term goals. In Teresa’s case, a combination of xenoglossophobia — or foreign language anxiety — and pronounced perfectionism was a major obstacle on several levels.

For one, Teresa constantly wanted to be corrected and have every grammatical detail explained to her. The formulation of every sentence became an incredibly power-zapping cognitive process both for Teresa and with whomever she happened to be speaking. On another level, Teresa was constantly comparing herself to her classmates, which only reinforced her feelings of inadequacy. This also impacted how she often approached her homework; which is to say, she didn’t do them at all.

For a fundamentally motivated language-learner like Teresa, this is paradoxical behavior. But procrastination (‘I'll do that only when I have plenty of time ’) and avoidance (‘I'll do it perfectly or not at all!’) are typical patterns of perfectionists. What appears outwardly as laziness is, in fact, an intense fear of failing oneself over and over again.

Of course, this avoidant behavior didn’t protect her from a suboptimal performance. She was falling far short of her actual goal of speaking German, and her self-esteem was beginning to suffer. She lied when asked how long she had been in Germany and found it increasingly humiliating to ask German-speaking friends for help. Her language level just did not match how long she’d lived here. 

* * *

Language is more than grammar and vocabulary or just some communicative tool; language is a key. We need it to participate in a community. What Teresa’s perfectionism did was prevent her from having that key, which is why she grew increasingly isolated. Reduced to the perimeter of her English-speaking, predominantly expat bubble, she was still a stranger. 

What people talked about and laughed about; how they lived and loved; what motivated them politically and privately were all very much outside of her sphere. Which meant that every time German occurred — in the form of bureaucracy, Brandenburg, or an ignoramus who didn't know English — it happened to her. It was an encroachment; triggering deep feelings of foreignness and resentment. Resentment that, initially self-directed, became something she began aiming at the language, the people who spoke it, and eventually the country. 

None of this had been foreseeable at the beginning, however. 

Teresa was an open, intelligent, hard-working person who achieved whatever she set her mind to. She had been one of the best students at her high school in Sydney and had an MBA from a top English university. She’d gone on to work on Wall Street for several years and had a prestigious and lucrative job in Berlin.

Yet, she could not achieve fluency in German. 

When I met her, she was ready to give up and leave Germany. 

Now, I’ll admit that I responded by going into well-meaning language teacher mode, serving up all the obvious platitudes: that it takes time; that she should set her goals according to her abilities; that mistakes in language learning are not only inevitable but downright indispensable. She had to take risks. Learning only takes place when you operate just outside your comfort zone.

None of that was news to her. But this insight existed only on an intellectual level, not on an emotional one. Something was blocking her. 

You know, I told her, I, too, have a little man sitting on my shoulder when I speak a foreign language. He listens to every sentence, checks my grammar and vocabulary, and reminds me every time I make a mistake, no matter how small, that I can actually do better. And I’m afraid he will never be satisfied, because I will never be absolutely perfect. But with a little willpower, I can ignore him. Why can't you just ignore that guy too, do your damn homework, and just chat away in everyday life?

That’s when she told me about the piano lessons. 

When she was a child, Teresa went once a week to a private teacher who came from the same region in China as her parents. Her father would drive her to the lesson. An engineer who didn’t know much about classical music, he would take his seat against the wall directly behind Teresa and her teacher, and listen in silence. Teresa didn’t know whether he kept a tally sheet or simply counted them in his head, but every mistake was noted. When the lesson was over, her father would very politely thank the teacher and drive Teresa wordlessly to evening school, or home, so she could do her homework.

It was only right before bedtime that the piano lesson was rehashed. Teresa had to come into the study and assess her own performance in front of her parents. Once they agreed on the number of mistakes she’d made, her father would ask her to lean against the table. 

For every mistake, Teresa would be struck once. Sometimes with a belt, sometimes without. Each blow was a little harder than the last. Her dad did the same after dictations and other schoolwork; wherever mistakes could be counted easily. Sometimes he would tell her that he was sorry; that it gave him no pleasure. One day, she would understand and be grateful. 

Teresa left home at 17 determined to never play the piano again.    

* * *

It is obvious that an excessively achievement-oriented parenting style can play a significant role in the development of perfectionism. This is especially true of parents, like Teresa’s, who pass on their demands to their children in a distant and punitive manner. Children internalize that they are only worth something if they perform exactly as others demand of them. Even as adults, the value of their own performance cannot be seen at all. Rather, the focus is obsessively on the gap between what has actually been achieved and the impossible demands. 

The perfectionist looks at an A- and cannot see the A in front of it. Only the minus. 

Unfortunately, the little man on Teresa’s shoulder wasn't so little after all. And despite having everything in place for her to converse fluently in German — the vocabulary, the grammar, the listening comprehension, being a genuinely interesting and well-read person — she couldn’t seem to get him to shut up. 

So I asked her: What did your piano teacher think about the way you played? 

I guess she liked it, Teresa said. My teacher told me that behind the technical accuracy she perceived a great sadness. She wasn’t wrong. I was sad. But there were times I could forget my father was there. When I played just for her. 

And your mistakes didn't bother her?

No, often she just let me play and listened to me.

Suddenly, I felt we had gotten a step closer to finding a solution. Communication after all, is not about precision like math or engineering, but about something else entirely.

Why don't you do the same when you speak German? I suggested. Leave form and mistakes behind and move towards content and feeling. Towards music. 

What started as a spontaneous idea turned out to be a crucial paradigm shift to overcome Teresa's inhibitions. We said goodbye completely to the usual speaker-based language learning approach focused on correctness and instead on the conversational experience of her interlocutor. Over time, we developed a listener-centered approach to learning and speaking that was specifically tailored to her challenges. 

Of course, the pressures from her father will never entirely go away. Little or big, the man on our shoulder will always be judging us. But maybe we can have a say in which standards we give him to work with.   

For Teresa that meant neutralizing some maladaptive thinking patterns. She managed to overlay her constant, subconscious preoccupation with correctness with an opposite impulse: the conscious thought of always putting communication first.

We agreed that correctness could only be an issue in class — in the protected space between teacher and student. Out in the world, she was not supposed to care about it.

Amazingly, she managed a significant change within a couple of months. And then, at some point, she no longer needed this protected space. The act of learning and speaking no longer held any fear for her.  

During our last lesson, before we parted ways, she had one final surprise for me. 

She had bought herself a piano.  

* * *

To help other language learners with perfectionist tendencies benefit from Teresa's experience, here are the key pillars of our listener-centered approach: 

Mindset

• You are not stupid or foreign language-illiterate 
  While it may be true that some people learn languages more easily than others, that doesn't mean it's impossible for you. Really everyone can learn German, and the reason you are experiencing problems is that you haven't found your way of learning and your way of speaking, yet.
  

• Fluency over accuracy
  Always remember in conversations that this is not a language course and correctness is of no interest to anyone but you. It's all about whether you can communicate and how you hold yourself. You want to be the perfect communicator, not the language nerd who speaks more correct German than the Germans.
  

• Build up a tolerance for mistakes and uncertainty
  The idea of ‘communication before correctness’ can only have its powerful effect if you don't let every little mistake or failure to understand your interlocutor throw you off. Through special exercises in language classes you can increase your tolerance for mistakes (when you speak) and in homework you can increase your tolerance for uncertainty (when you don't understand exactly what others say). You’ll find more concrete examples below. 
  
  

During conversation

• No meta-communication
  Avoid making the language itself the topic of conversation. Native speakers usually have no patience for this, as they are only concerned with the content.
  

• No self-correction
  It's totally understandable that after making a mistake, you want to show that you know how to say it correctly. The only problem is that this is completely counterproductive in terms of communication. Because in the end, you're just repeating a second time a piece of information that your interlocutor surely understood the first time.  
  

• High speaking pace
  If the person you are talking to is bored because they are not getting enough input from you, they will end the conversation eventually. This means that you should have a normal speaking pace, even if it means more mistakes.
  

• No word-finding pauses
  Avoid creating ‘communicative idle time’ by searching for words without saying anything. Instead, you can say ‘Dingsda’ or ‘Dingenskirchen’ for the missing word, as Germans commonly do. Alternatively, you can use the English word or use any another language that your interlocutor might know.
  

• Use nonverbal resources
  Following Freddy Mercury's motto — The show must go on — you should exhaust all possibilities of human communication when you run out of words. These include facial expressions, gestures, pointing, and random objects in your vicinity.   
  

• Humor in the face of your own shortcomings
  Nothing is more disarming and at the same time more confidence-building than taking yourself for a joyride when you make mistakes. This includes laughing along when you are being laughed at because you involuntarily said something funny — even though it hurts!
  

• Draw boundaries
  It happens again and again that native German speakers think they have to correct you, even though they understood everything you said. They then fall into the same trap as many language learners and confuse the conversation situation with a language course. You should reject this, either in an unequivocal way: ‘Thanks, but I already have a German teacher,’ a quick-witted way: ‘Wer im Glashaus sitzt, sollte nicht mit Steinen werfen’ (Who sits in a glass house should not throw stones) or in a humorous way: ‘Korrigieren ist doch nur was für Klugscheißer!’ (Correcting other people is just for know-it-alls!). In this way, you show once again that you not only have a sense of humor, but also that you actually know German well, otherwise you wouldn't know these sayings.
  

• Keep learning German out of your relationship
  If you have a native German speaker as a partner, you should not abuse him or her as a language teacher. It could happen that your partner quickly loses the desire to communicate with you in German if he or she is constantly supposed to correct you. It makes more sense to set clear boundaries and to incorporate German in a measured way, perhaps by introducing a ‘German day’ once a week, and ideally without many questions or corrections!
  
  

What to focus on for homework

• Passive homework
  To get away from the high demands of producing your own language, it is recommended to do homework that requires little or no active effort on your part. This includes reading, listening to podcasts, and watching movies and TV shows.  
  

• Look up words only on repetition and when necessary
  Every word you look up interrupts your workflow and costs time without getting much in return. Train your tolerance for uncertainty and only look up words when they show up repeatedly and not knowing them hinders your comprehension.  
  

• Write down only relevant vocabulary
  Unfamiliar vocabulary, e.g. words and phrases, should only be written down and crammed into your active vocabulary if you find it original, very useful, or relevant to you and your way of speaking. Since you can't learn all 75,000 words of standard German, you should always ask yourself, ‘Am I really gonna use this soon?’  
  

• Find your way of speaking
  There are countless ways to express yourself in a language and you need to find the one that works for you. Build your German. A German that you know and are comfortable and confident using.  
  

• Practice listening comprehension, and more listening comprehension 
  It is impossible to have a conversation if you do not understand the person you are talking to. Therefore, it is essential from the get-go to expose yourself to a lot of (spoken) language that is appropriate to your level.
  

• Learn answering formulas
  When reading as well as watching movies and TV shows, you should write down idiomatic expressions that are relevant to you. Everyday communication is often formulaic and many situations are repetitive. The best way to practice this is by watching movies and especially series. Here you can see the authentic linguistic reaction to numerous situations – and also pause them! – to make notes.